Hello,
I’m Darren, I’m Laura’s husband. I was invited to write this post as part of International Men’s Day to share a male perspective on a fertility journey, and what it’s like to have a wife/partner with chronic health conditions.
Our 12 year fertility journey
We had so much hope and positivity in the beginning but it turned out to be more stressful than we would ever realise. We both assumed it would be successful and weren’t prepared for the failure and pain that followed. When that first IVF cycle failed, it was extremely disappointing. I felt like the fertility clinics were selling us something that wouldn’t actually happen. They were overly positive at the start of each cycle and made us feel like it would definitely work. However, the closer it got to the end of the cycle, things became less and less positive as the number of eggs reduced and the remaining ones didn’t develop as expected. We were always told to have the remaining 1 or 2 eggs put back in at embryo transfer and that this would give them the best chance of developing. Of course, they never did.
The whole IVF process was a rollercoaster of emotions for both of us but was obviously harder for Laura as she was doing the injections herself, along with coping with the physical and mental side effects. I was just there for moral support (apart from the one time when she had to inject herself in the toilet on a moving train!).
The advice I would give to other partners going through a fertility journey
Definitely do not use Google or social media for advice, it doesn’t have all the answers.
Don’t put so much pressure on yourself e.g. making major changes/restrictions to your diet etc without guidance from your GP/consultant. We cut out alcohol, caffeine and took extremely expensive vitamins (recommended by our clinic) but our treatments still failed.
Endometriosis, Fibroids and Adenomyosis
Laura had been suffering with severe period pain for a very long time and it was very upsetting to see her struggle on. It was actually a relief when she was finally diagnosed. We both thought it would be resolved with the recommended procedures (laparoscopy, medication). Shockingly, we became aware that there is no real cure for these conditions. Also, it’s surprising that very little is known about these diseases and people not affected have no idea what these illnesses are and how they affect people. This is despite there being more publicity around them. The fact that there is no cure after all this time is so disappointing. As you probably know, Laura was in severe pain for several years and I had to convince her to leave her job last year because she was put through disciplinary processes and ended up in a really dark place. This is another example of how much these illnesses are misunderstood, and how much they affect (and ruin) women’s lives on a daily basis. Laura has had 11 surgeries, including a hysterectomy.
Supporting your wife/partner
I feel like this journey hasn’t affected me as much as it’s affected Laura. She’s had to go through the pain, the surgeries and the injections etc.
It affects me because I've found it hard to watch, and I don’t want Laura to feel unwell anymore.
Try to find out more about how the condition affects your partner. For example, Laura has created her website https://www.laurashealthjourney.co.uk and blog that describes what she’s been going through, and further info about fertility, endometriosis, fibroids and adenomyosis. Also, have a look at the Endometriosis UK website.
I tried to attend as many appointments as I could, and I found it useful to make my own notes just in case anything was missed.
Make up a hot water bottle when they need it.
Back massage.
Endless cups of tea or snacks to eat so that they can take their painkillers.
Be a shoulder to cry on.
Ask what they need.
Supporting yourself
Being on this journey is extremely hard but you do need to make sure that you make time for yourself.
Get out of the house when you can to get some fresh air. Milo (our dog) has really helped me. He can tell when either of us need support!
Make sure you have some downtime, watch some TV shows or films you enjoy.
On the days when your wife/partner isn’t in pain, try and get out the house as a change of scenery always helps.
Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.
Darren
For more support:
Mind support line
Call Mind's support line on 0300 102 1234.
This is a safe space for you to talk about your mental health. Our advisors are trained to listen to you and help you find specialist support if you need it.
We're open 9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday (except bank holidays).
Samaritans
You can contact Samaritans 24 hours a day, 365 days a year:
Call 116 123 (free from any phone)
Call the Samaritans Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (7pm–11pm every day)
Email jo@samaritans.org
Samaritans is there for anyone who wants to talk.
SANEline
If you're experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else, you can call SANElineon 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10pm every day).
National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK
Offers a supportive listening service to anyone with thoughts of suicide. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK on 0800 689 5652 (6pm to midnight every day).
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)
You can call the CALM on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm–midnight every day) if you're affected by suicide or suicidal thoughts. Or if you prefer not to speak on the phone, you could try the CALM webchat service.
Shout
If you would prefer not to talk but want some mental health support, you could text SHOUT to 85258. Shout offers a confidential 24/7 text service providing support if you are in crisis and need immediate help.
Papyrus HOPELINEUK
If you're under 35 and struggling with suicidal feelings, or concerned about a young person who might be struggling, you can call Papyrus HOPELINEUK on 0800 068 4141 (24 hours, 7 days a week), email pat@papyrus-uk.org or text 07786 209 697.
Nightline
If you're a student, you can look on the Nightline website to see if your university or college offers a night-time listening service. Nightline phone operators are all students too.
Switchboard
If you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, you can call Switchboard on 0300 330 0630 (10am–10pm every day), email chris@switchboard.lgbt or use their webchat service. Phone operators all identify as LGBT+.
C.A.L.L.
If you live in Wales, you can call the Community Advice and Listening Line (C.A.L.L.) on 0800 132 737 (open 24/7) or you can text 'help' followed by a question to 81066.
NHS 111 - urgent mental health helpline
You can contact NHS 111 any time to access support for your health. To get urgent mental health support, call 111 and select option 2.
#internationalmensday #infertility #IVF #endometriosis #fibroids #adenomyosis #mentalhealth #menshealth #chronic #pain #illness #womenshealth
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