Trying to cope
- Laura Chin-See
- May 31
- 3 min read
"It's a sad story. Not a sad life." This quote from the lovely Carrie at @Bloomingwithcare really resonates with me.
A few weeks ago I posted about a list of ideas I created in case my fertility journey didn't work out. It was pointed out that this wouldn't help someone who was trying to cope with a failed round of IVF.
I want to tell you that I have been there. I was on that fertility journey for 12 years, and I can describe it as looking into the depths of hell:
I had to cope with the severe side effects from injecting hormones every day.
My endometriosis and fibroids fed off the hormones so my pain levels were through the roof. The pain was crippling.
I tried to go into the office and work as normal, while dealing with measuring out IVF medications, getting up extra early to inject myself, rushing to transvaginal scan appointments, being doubled over in pain and feeling tired, bloated and hormonal.
In my first round, the fertility clinic increased the numbers of days I needed to be on the medication for. The scan appointments became more and more painful, while my stomach was black and painful from all the injections.
During my second round, I begged my fertility clinic to let me take pain relief because I was again doubled over in pain.
I spent a small fortune on different fertility vitamins that made no difference to any of my tests.
Staying positive when you find out that you only have one possible embryo was incredibly hard.
I had menstrual migraines before every period, and so this was a tell tale sign that each round had not worked.
During these 12 years, I also had 10 surgeries (laparoscopies and a myomectomy) to "temporarily fix" my endometriosis and check on my fibroids so that I had a greater chance of conceiving. I was also put on prostap twice to stop my endometriosis and fibroids growing. As soon as my periods returned though, all the symptoms would return. I never had a chance for any fertility treatment to work.
My egg count and quality reduced, and so we had to wait for an egg donor. I felt so stupid when that round didn't work, liked I'd failed the donor.
We changed fertility clinic twice as we were advised to get second/third opinions.
My uterine lining became too thin to sustain a pregnancy. I did a mock IVF cycle which increased it slightly (the side effects were awful).
I was assured that if I took enough Oestrogen, waited for the right egg donor, had more surgery to "temporarily fix" my gynaecological issues then I may have a chance at a successful pregnancy.
That was meant to be our 5th and final round, but my periods became more and more painful. I would need to have a laparoscopy before doing this all again, and then a hysterectomy if the round failed.
Trying to cope with this, along with my mum's dementia, and the pain would be too much. My husband and I decided to end our fertility journey. It wasn't an easy decision.
My point is that I don't take going through infertility or being childless lightly. If you're going through it, I understand because I've been there myself. I'm still now trying to navigate a different life to that one I planned. I still get triggered by pregnancy announcements, new babies everywhere - I actually have a lump in my throat. I'm still at that stage of this journey. The list was meant to be a tiny bit of positivity out of a very sad journey. I'm sorry if I upset anyone.
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